If you watched last night’s United States Presidential debate, you already know that this election cycle has seemed more like WWE programming than Monday Night Raw. Somewhere amidst all of the noise, I lost track of what I was watching.
Were Roman Reigns and Rusev engaging in debate? Were Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump cutting promos to set up a huge pay-per-view title match?
I lost it – but in that moment, I realized that the WWE roster is loaded with talent that could positively impact our nation. Likewise, Trump would be perfect in the WWE. They should make him a manager…give him a featured spot at Wrestlemania…put him in the Hall of Fame, or something. He’s just a natural.
So, after further deliberation, I’ve examined the WWE roster concluded that the following 10 individuals would fit right in on Pennsylvania Avenue.
10. Big E – Isn’t there something simply electric about Big E? He’s an eloquent speaker with an obvious passion for any matter he’s discussing. The hip gyrations may not appear Presidential, but lest we forget, all great American officials have an innate ability to draw people in. Big E and Abraham Lincoln have that in common.
Though I can’t recall a President drawing interest due to rhythmic pelvic thrusts, it’s 2016. I won’t rule it out. Besides, Ronald Reagan was an entertainer before settling in to the White House.
9. Paul Heyman – Heyman is the quintessential slimy politician worthy of no one’s trust. He is the old guard…precisely what is wrong with America, but damn it – he just keeps winning elections.
Because he could convince voters to run through walls with his word magic if he wanted to. Heyman is undoubtedly must-see television and is known for speaking his mind. If either political party wants America to pay attention, they bring in Heyman.
8. Kevin Owens – Given Owens inclination to hold The Authority accountable and go directly to them to voice his concerns, you know he’d be the type of President to really get things done. He knows how to articulate his point and deliver results. He’s the WWE Universal Champion after all!
Owens really doesn’t seem to have the mainstream support that some of the stronger candidates have, though. He’s the emerging third-party candidate that all of the “smart people” recognize as the best option. And, yeah – that whole “being born in Canada” thing might provide for an obstacle he couldn’t overcome.
7. Bray Wyatt – This year’s election cycle has proven one thing, if nothing else: that candidates don’t have to make sense to gain popularity. In the case of Bray Wyatt, no one ever really knows what he’s talking about. It’s scary and sounds a hell of a lot like propaganda, but you know what – I kind of agree and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m hypnotized.
That’s a testament to the magnetism of Wyatt. He’s just a natural leader, so it doesn’t matter what he says…just that he says it in a way that gets people fired up.
Follow some buzzards? What? Yeah – sure….that’s going to help the national deficit. Got my vote, Mr. Eater of Worlds.
6. Sami Zayn – Perhaps no superstar embodies the ‘man of the people’ mantra like Zayn. Yeah, sure, he’s Canadian. I get it….but I’m trying to have some fun with this list, so let’s just keep moving.
Zayn is universally loved, and has shown that when the going gets tough, he gets going. I mean, come on – that smile alone could send him to Washington, D.C. He reminds me of a young, slim Teddy Roosevelt.
5. AJ Styles – No one has a track record quite like Styles. He aims big, talks big, but boy – does he deliver big or what? Styles is the type to tell you you’re wrong, why you’re wrong, then prove you’re wrong, and potentially break your neck with a dangerous finishing move.
Nonetheless, he isn’t as well-liked as some of the other candidates on this list. That doesn’t matter, though. This country is angry and ready for change. You want something done? You call Allen Jones and you watch the country get great again.
4. Becky Lynch – I keep running into this “not born in the United States” thing, but thankfully, I’m not seriously asserting that these superstars should run for President.
Look, I’ll give you that Bayley is the most lovable woman on WWE television. I’ve written on this site that Sasha Banks is the best women’s wrestler in the world. But, Becky Lynch is the perfect combination of results and likability to be the President of the United States.
I’m not afraid to say that – Lynch seems like the level-headed, people-oriented woman with a pedigree of success that this country needs right now. I, for one, would certainly follow Lynch into the depths of Hell if that’s what it took to bring prosperity back to the American middle class.
3. Heath Slater – Slater is a walking encapsulation of the American dream. He did it the hard way – working long hours for nothing, with the hopes of one day landing his dream job and getting his kids an above-ground pool. That’s the sort of inspiration that Presidential campaigns are made of.
Sure, he talks funny, but so did George W. Bush, and look at all the things he accomplished in the Oval Office! Slater connects with people. There’s just something about him that makes me think he’d go to work eight days out of the week to make sure my interests are taken care of. Slater 2020, baybay!
2. Enzo Amore – He’s the People’s Champ! Can anyone rally a group of people like Enzo? He’s a hard hitter that knows exactly what to say and when to say it. Like a modern-day Barack Obama, how ya doin?!
Sometimes, it’s hard for viewers to follow along, though. You don’t always know what Enzo is really saying, but that doesn’t matter. You know he has the street smarts and the gumption to do what needs to be done. He can command the attention of 20,000+ people. You don’t think people would run through brick walls to help Enzo with foreign policy strategy? Psshhh….
In Enzo we trust.
1. John Cena – Really, who else was going to be at the top of this list? Divisive as he may be, there’s a real chance Cena ends his career as the most popular WWE superstar of all time.
He’s so diplomatic, too. If there’s a man in the WWE locker room that can affect change, it’s Cena. He has all the tools to be a successful President – public speaking skills, people-centric mindset, enough experience to know what works and what doesn’t.
Suddenly, I’ve realized Cena could actually run for President one day. This is getting too serious. I’m getting out before I sink any deeper.
Stoney Keeley covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co, covers the NFL’s Tennessee Titans for Pro Football Spot, and is the Editor of The SoBros Network. You can follow him on Twitter at @StoneyKeeley and the SPOT’s Tennessee Titans Twitter feed at @spot_titans.