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Fantasy Warfare: Braun Strowman Vs. A Live Grizzly Bear

Braun Strowman stands at 6’8” and 385 pounds. He is a mammoth of a man. I don’t know this for sure, but I’d be willing to bet he was born of a lightning bolt atop a mountain in North Carolina, not so different from Frankenstein’s monster. It’s unnatural for a man to have all the attributes of an actual monster – gargantuan stature, freakish ability, and a voice as deep and menacing as the depths of Hell.

So, naturally, this begs the question: who would in a fight for survival? Strowman or a live grizzly bear?

Now, your initial reaction might be, “what a laughable question, Stoney. Strowman would be mauled just like any other human.” But, stop and think for a second. The average male grizzly bear weights about 600 pounds. Meanwhile, the average female grizzly bear weighs around 300-400 pounds. They’re only a few feet tall on all fours, and standing up, can reach about nine or ten feet tall. It’s not as though these things are overwhelmingly larger than Strowman.

I’d be willing to bet Strowman is much more athletic than a grizzly bear. So much so that it would sort of counterbalance the size disparity between the two combatants. Come to think of it, it’s like football – the low man wins. In that case, Strowman would almost certainly have the leverage advantage.

I think the main variable in this equation is whether the grizzly bear has any professional wrestling background/training or not. I got news for you, folks. If a grizzly knows how to hook you in a headlock, you are in deep, deep trouble. There’s no way to get out of that – especially if the grizzly bear was trained by Harley Race. Then, you’d know that bear had the tough gene.

Another advantage for Strowman is his adaptability. Look at how much he’s improved in the ring since showing up on Monday Night Raw in 2015. At first, he was as green as grass, but now, he’s much better. He’s putting on good matches on a regular basis. So, given a month or so to prepare and train, I’d imagine the Monster Among Men would have the perfect game plan.

Plus, let’s not forget the success Jackie Moon had in evading a live bear in hit 2008 documentary Semi-Pro. Strowman is much more athletically gifted than Moon, and certainly bigger.

As it turns out, the history of men wrestling bears is pretty dark. They used to muzzle the beasts, clip their claws, pull their teeth out and all sorts of atrocious, cowardly ways to level the playing field. That’s unacceptable – it’s like a performance enhancing drug. Sure, razor sharp teeth and claws may give the bear a distinct advantage, but I say something accomplished without a challenge is no accomplishment at all.

Daniel Bryan has a known affinity for bears, and has expressed a fascination in wrestling bears in the past. All he would have to do is draft Strowman to Smackdown this summer, then capture a live bear, release it in New Orleans, and boom – we’d get this epic showdown at Wrestlemania 34. Make it happen, Mr. Bryan.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to suggest that Strowman could legitimately incapacitate a live grizzly bear with a Running Power Slam. Case closed – that’s all, folks.

Stoney Keeley covers the WWE for, the NFL’s Tennessee Titans for Pro Football Spot, and is the Editor of The SoBros Network. You can follow him on Twitter at @StoneyKeeley.

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